December of 2014 was one of the worst months of my life.
I tried to kill myself.
But once again, I couldn’t.
I tried to hang myself from the towel hooks in the bathroom.
No one would have ever guessed as to why though.
I had a job, I had a home, I had a family, and a lot of friends.
My house was going to get taken away, my family was broken, and my friends were more like acquaintances.
I was tired of being 18 with a newly enforced curfew because I was spending time with my “friends” and my dad didn’t like me having those apparently.
I’m sure having a curfew is normal for a lot of people, but I was a very sheltered kid who was homeschooled and never had friends outside of church. So this was new for me and my parents.
I worked in fast food so my job wasn’t glamorous and definitely did not pay any bills. There didn’t seem to be any hope of me moving out.
My parents were arguing much worse than ever before. It didn’t help that I was the only kid living there with them so most of my days off were spent at Starbucks just so I could get away from that awful environment.
I had broken off my relationship with my best friend over a huge disagreement, and my new friends were flaky and a lot of times fake. Or at least towards me it seemed.
I wanted it all to end. It didn’t seem worth it since I lost all hope…
Then the stupid little voices in my head started arguing again.
“Do it! You’ll be happier! Let go and come home!”
“But what will happen to your parents when they see?”
“Who cares! You’ll be happier. Just think back to when you were happy last. 6 months ago isn’t that right?”
“But what about these friends who have helped you or you have helped them in some way?”
I got images of friends who had actually really helped me in my times of being depressed. Images of people in my life who were struggling themselves, and I was helping to encourage to stay strong and push through. I got images of a couple campers I had been the counselor for the past summer that I had convinced to stop harming themselves for their own benefit. One in particular that had sent me pictures of her thrown away cutting tools.
What type of message was I sending to these people if I was the one to give up? If I gave into the demons?
I only thought about what was going on right then and there and not about what could come in the future.
I wouldn’t have known that my parents getting a divorce after 29 years was the best thing for my family and my mom especially. She is the happiest I’ve ever seen her, even if being alone is hard, she has us and her grandkids to make her smile.
I wouldn’t have been able to see my nephews and niece begin growing up and becoming little parts of the world.
I wouldn’t have seen the amazing person my middle sibling would become, even if I don’t understand completely. I know that I love her and all that matters to me is her happiness, recovery, and acceptance in the world.
I wouldn’t have met the man of my dreams and been able to move in with him and marry him within a year of meeting. He wouldn’t have been able to tell me for the first time that my opinion matters and that how my dad treated me and the things he told me were not who I had to become. How I could do anything under the sun and he would support me no matter what. That I would be fixing up our house and getting a new “grown-up” job so we can maybe move to our favorite city in the future and start traveling the US and the world.
I wouldn’t have been able to get another nephew through his sister and a wonderful pair of in-laws to turn to when we need advice or family-time.
I wouldn’t have found my love of writing if I had left so soon.
Life put me on a ride of unimaginable circumstances and I’m so thankful I listened to the good voice and stayed. I could’ve been single for the rest of my life — which I was ready for, but it had me get married when I was barely 20 and I couldn’t be more thankful. I honestly don’t think I’ve been in a happier time than right now, in today’s moment. Whether it’s sunny and 75 or the thunder is so loud I can’t hear my thoughts, my life can only get better from here, and I can never say goodbye to that.