To the woman who walked away so easily.

Why don’t you want me? “Am I not what you wanted,” was the question I asked myself every single day when I was old enough to learn I’m not where I’m naturally supposed to be, the minute I found out, I felt this large whole but I shouldn’t. I’m loved continually by the people who are there every day. I am encouraged to be me always by those who are there. Why do I feel so empty in parts of my soul? If everyone is here, why aren’t you? Why does it always seem like every day, you just didn’t want to put up with me, why am I the one person in your life you couldn’t keep around. Maybe there is a noble reason you gave me up, but it doesn’t seem like it because I can’t find you anywhere. I mean how can I, you left me in a “safe place.”

Why did you leave me? You brought a life into this world, and that life was me. There has never been a worse thought in my head then, hearing about how you just left me somewhere that had one of those yellow signs. Hearing that you are basically like a used item being dropped off is soul crushing. No matter the love that surrounds you. You gave me up so easily, to people you didn’t even know or didn’t even care to know. I was alone as a newborn in this world without the traditional guiding and protection, and infant laughs every baby should be afforded. I see for myself every day what it was like to grow out of abandonment. I will always grow because I love myself more than you ever could. How though? How could I be so unfit for your love?

Do you think of me? Am I ever a thought, am I a person you want to see one day. All I ever feel is like I’m not a thought, not then and not now. How can I. I hope you see the images of me in your head clearly each day when you set me down and walked away? I just want to be a piece of your soul, even when you didn’t want to be a piece of mine.

I love my parents; they did everything for me growing up. They taught me continuously and encouraged me to grow. I would never change the first 19 years of my life for anything or anyone. On that same thought, I’m still nothing like my parents. You know what though, although your actions have formed a hole in my life those first years. These next years and the ones that follow until the end will be about loving myself, and those who love me every single day. You gave birth to me, but my family Is mine, and that won’t ever change. I will live my life to make them proud, and provide them with everything they gave to me.

As I said maybe there was a noble reason you left, perhaps you wanted me to live a better life, but I have no way of proving that, the only thing I’ll ever get to hold on to is being left alone.

Audrey.

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8 Comments

  1. Great post. I just wrote one very similar about my biological father so I know exactly how you feel, I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I will never have the answers I would like but hopefully that is for the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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